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Math Jokes
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Statistical One-Liners
A new government 10 year survey that cost $3,000,000,000
revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population.
According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.
Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision
of results that is not justified by the method employed?
According to a recent survey, 33% of people say they participate
in surveys.
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy.
Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.
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This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).
((12+144+20+(3*4^(1/2))) / 7 + (5*11) = 9^2+0
Or, for those who have trouble reading the poem:
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven, plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
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Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Student: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Student: Well, up and down it makes 3, but across the middle makes it 0.
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The shortest math book: An Unabridged List of the Even Primes
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Teacher: What is 7Q plus 3Q?
Student: 10Q.
Teacher: You're welcome.
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Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another,
how
many dollars would you have?
Student: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Student: You don't know my father!
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It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student
raises his hand and asks, "Will we ever need this stuff in real life?"
The professor gently smiles at him and says, "Of course not - if your real
life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's"
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New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today,
a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a middle school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed
to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flag pole. They only
have a measuring tape and are quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole: It falls down all the time.
A mathematician comes along and asks what they are doing. They explain it
to him.
"Well, that's easy..."
He pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it easily.
After he has left, one of the engineers says: "That's so typical of these
mathematicians! What we need is the height - and he gives us the length!"
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A mathematician organizes
a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time. Of course, with the promise
of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake.
When the
winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:
"1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."
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An investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round of interviews,
three hopeful recent graduates - a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance -
are asked what starting salary they are expecting.
The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?"
The applied
mathematician: "I think $60,000 would be OK."
The math finance person: "What about $300,000?"
The personnel officer
is flabberghasted: "Do you know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the same work for a tenth
of what you are demanding!?"
"Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you - and $30,000 for the pure mathematician
who will do the work."
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The math professor's six-year-old son knocks at the
door of his father's study.
"Daddy", he says. "I need help with a math problem I couldn't do at school."
"Sure", the
father says and smiles. "Just tell me what's bothering you."
"Well, it's a really hard problem: There are four ducks
swimming in a pond, when two more ducks come and join them. How many ducks are now swimming in the pond?"
The professor stares at his son with disbelief: "You
couldn't do that?! All you need to know is that 4 + 2 = 6!"
"Do you think, I'm stupid?! Of course, I know that 4 + 2 =
6. But what does this have to do with ducks!?"
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"Students nowadays are so clueless," the math professor complains to a
colleague. "Yesterday, a student came into my office and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
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"Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup
has an odd number of sugar cubes in it."
"That's easy: one, one, and twelve."
"But twelve isn't odd!"
"It's an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee..."
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A visitor at the Royal Tyrell Museum asks a museum employee, "Can you tell
me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?"
"It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days
old."
"How can you know that with such precision?!"
"Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that
the skeleton was 60 million years old - and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago..."
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Statistics
Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview:
one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All
three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied
mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician:
"What do you want it to be?"
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Q: What does
the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
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A lazy dog is a slow pup.
A slope up is an inclined plane.
An ink-lined plane is a sheet of writing paper.
Therefore, a lazy dog is a sheet of writing paper.
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A father, angry because his teenage daughter had missed her curfew,
said, "I told you to be home by a quarter of twelve."
The girl responded, "But my math teacher said that 1/4 of 12 is 3."
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He's teaching her arithmetic,
He said it was his mission,
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice
and said, "Now that's addition."
As he added smack by smack
In silent satisfaction,
She sweetly gave the kisses back
and said, "Now that's subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him,
Without an explanation,
And both together smiled and said,
"That's multiplication."
Then Dad appeared upon the scene and
Made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away
And said, "That's long division!"
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Math Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x.
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not
x?
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Algebra is x-sighting.
Vectors can be 'arrowing.
I'm partial to fractions.
I like angles...to a degree.
I could go on and on about sequences.
Translations are shifty.
Complex numbers are unreal.
I feel positive about integers.
On average, people are mean.
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The lottery - a tax on people who are bad at math
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Q. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a
jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A. Pumpkin pi
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Q. What does a mathematician call the occupied restroom in an
airplane?
A. A hy-pot-en-use
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Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
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My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, sometimes obtuse, but always,
he was right.
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80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.
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7 out of 5 people do not understand fraction.
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The math faculty decided they got too few first year students. So,
they made a television commercial to show how exciting mathematics can be. To get the biggest audience they scheduled
it at prime time: 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
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John: Dad, will you do my math homework for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
John: Well, you could try.
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